Okay, so after this mornings preaching-I know I did the right thing. Curt was preaching directly to me and it was great. I have a better understanding of things now.

There are good things though and bad things. Good things: my victim has friends that he can hang out with and he goes to church. I'm wicked excited about that. I hope God really speaks to him. The bad thing is now I can't hang out with those mutual friends. One makes a dumb clause like tonight will be a" guys night" so that I can't come. They're all guys but me. I would be less offended if they just said hey so and so can't handle your company because of the fresh wound-instead they patronize me. It's a "guys night." I'm hurt because meeting on sunday nights was partly started by me.

And now it looks as it did back in august. I can't hang out with anyone. It's just me and God again. I guess that might be what is needed for me. I hate the friendless road. It's not quite friendless, but the closest and dearest are far away. Phone calls and email can't always make anyone feel better. I have faith that this whole debacle will be for the better of everyone, but once again I feel like I'm being punished. I mean maybe I should be punished because I caused the whole mess-but I'll come back and be stronger than before. Hopefully I'll rely on God more now too.

A few days ago I was yelled at for always talking about God but never doing anything. This is blatant judgement and wrong. I took it badly because for the last month or so I've been trying really hard to get things together. I don't flaunt it and I keep it to myself because I don't want to be bragging or bringing anyone down. I should have obeyed God earlier and then maybe things wouldn't be so weird now. But regardless how people judge me, I know God loves me and he sees me trying. It doesn't matter if people think I'm not trying-I don't have to prove or justify anything to any human. Only God. It's definitely calling the kettle black.

I'm excited about the New Year and school is about to start. I know I'm going to fail but my Dad told me being a christian isn't about how many times you fall-it's the fact that you keep getting up.