So for all my fans and avid readers (I know it's just one of you),

Today has been ultimately heart wrenching and a test. I know what I did was right, I couldn't justify it with facts, but I know it was what I had to do. This personal growth time has kind of a crappy start-ok down right rotten. I know things will work out and everything will be okay, but right now I still feel like a steamroller. Nice visual I know.

On a completely different wave length, I went to a place in Ann Arbor called Goodnight Gracie's and it was a ton of fun. Well, as much fun as I could have trying to hold myself together, but I needed the company. We all ordered different martinis and then tried each others. The best one was either the colada-tini or the Pop Bomb. ( I think that's what it was called). Anyway, after much drinking we decided to get food, ironically enough, at a brewery. Which we were still buzzing after that so we walked 5 blocks to starbucks and had mochas until ready to drive. I was told that alcohol never heals or takes anything away, but it dulls life for a small while. It wasn't dulling and I wasn't using it as a tool. I had fun and that was that. I didn't get home until 2am. I would like to go back.

But I'm now leaving you because it's 5am and I've yet to sleep.

I was given a quote by a friend,

The ending of anything is the beginning of something

Why don't I feel like that ever? And as if to answer my doubt and hurt she sent me some quotes that fit and somehow make sense.

Change has a considerable psychological impact on the human mind. To the fearful it is threatening because it means that things may get worse. To the hopeful it is encouraging because things may get better. To the confident it is inspiring because the challenge exists to make things better.

Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change.

When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.

Do the one thing you think you cannot do. Fail at it. Try again. Do better the second time. The only people who never tumble are those who never mount the high wire. This is your moment. Own it.

You must pray that the way be long, full of adventures and experiences

I only hope some can see it like I do. Friends, I thank you.

Everytime I think I have things figured out-I find out how much more lost and confused I am. I think I'll leave this control thing to God. There's more joy and comfort in that. I know what my leading skills have gotten me. Oh, God and I are about to have a journey.

Wow-so I haven't written since last year! I know lame joke but I thought it might get at least a chuckle.

Not much is going on...Christmas and New Years has passed... A quick run down:

I hope this year brings some epifanies to me and my closest. I had one best friend come home and I'm still waiting for the other. Sad news is they won't be home together. On the selfish level at least I don't have to share time with them. That's very selfish-sorry.

I got some cool gifts, but it didn't feel that cool because I couldn't exactly give anything great in return.

My car is still f*%^$@ up. I paid $420 and it's doing exactly what it was before hand. Grrr. I need new tires so hopefully that'll help with the horrible sounds and jerking it's doing.

I cut 5 inches off of my hair-it's a nice, new, sexy feel. Now if everything else would fir into that mold-I'd be set.

I finally got to see my brother and his wife, hadn't seen Jason since May. It's interesting to see how the married thing is working for them. I hope I end up with someone who's motivated, money conscious, and who challenges me instead of telling me what to do. Different strokes for different folks I guess. I'm just glad most of my needs are different then the ones I see here. Granted, every woman has the same basic needs: love, stability, support, reliability, and honesty. I think maybe I have some serious demand issues because my standards asks for more than that. I don't think my standards are too high-why should I settle. But women get to a point where they A) lose self worth and settle or B) are sick of being let down and never finding their standards. I'm just to the point where I think maybe I'm not going to find someone that thinks like me and on my level. Where is men's passion for life? And I'm not talking about bedroom passion. Why are men and people in general afraid to live? What's life worth if you aren't going to live it? Oh well. Always my worst enemy and devil's advocate in this area.

I'm making dinner for my family and Sina and Jason tomorrow night. Crab Alfredo-I got a different recipe so hopefully it'll be better than the last alfredo I made. Not such a warm reception on that one. But my brothers love food so I know it'll get eaten. The joy of having brothers.

I've become a dog park mogul. I love the dog park-I like seeing the other dogs. Emily socializes pretty well there and the people seem to love her for the most part. I've met and seen some pretty interesting people. I see just as many men as I do women so that's cool. There are some really cute dogs, especially the puppies.

Work is work and I'll be looking for a new job after the holiday stuff is done. The atmosphere there is crashing. I know I can do better (Fast food at this point would be better). I want an enjoyable job that doesn't make me feel like I'm wasting away.

I don't know really what else is going on-life like everything else is shrouded in uncertainty. I wish something would jump up and grab me. Hehe. I'd probably keel over and die of fright.
Anyway, I hope your christmas and new years celebrations have been good to you.